The Advice from A Father That Saved Me as a New Dad

"I think I was simply trying to survive for a year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

Yet the actual experience soon proved to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health complications during the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into acting as her main carer in addition to caring for their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, each diaper… every walk. The role of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct phrases "You are not in a healthy space. You must get some help. In what way can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and find a way back.

His experience is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While the public is now more accustomed to discussing the strain on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are part of a broader inability to talk among men, who often hold onto harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a display of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a respite - going on a couple of days overseas, away from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the expression of feelings and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma caused his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "poor actions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as an escape from the pain.

"You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical health - eating well, physical activity and if you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the difficult parts, as well as the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help isn't failing - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the security and nurturing he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - managing the emotions in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their issues, altered how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, at times I think my purpose is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are through this experience."